FREEDUMB PART 2


He was put away, no need to be scared!??
RIGHT?? 

Where did I leave off? ........Oh right he got locked up... Don't have to deal with him, now things will get better???

I started working and now I am really having fun, going out with friends, dating. This is life... I was living at my parents house, but I didn't want to be given rules I'm 18 working why do I have a curfew, why am I getting in trouble for little things. I left my parents house again. This time I was house hoping. Till I started staying with a "friend".

Great right, wrong! 

I had a routine go to work, my friend and her mom would pick me up I was good.
I was good.

 Until one day my "friend" snuck her boyfriend in the room. I was "asleep" and I heard him come in through the window, they started arguing, and saying some other messed up stuff (really messed up, not my story, not my place).  When I hear him say stop acting stupid or your friend is the one that's gonna pay for it. I had my eyes closed but I could see a dark figure standing over me. I hear the gun clock, and he says I'm gonna kill her. My "friend"...MY FRIEND said do it go ahead do it, kill her.
I was so damn scared but I didn't want to open my eyes. I thought to myself if I act like I'm asleep maybe just maybe he won't do anything. I don't remember what happen, but they made up and I acted like I didn't know anything. I got up acting like I was going to grab water (the phone was in the kitchen), as I'm on the phone my friend creeps up on me with him talking about what you doing. UGH! I acted cool and just said I had made plans, so I'm calling to make sure they are coming still.
I called my friend and asked him to rush and come get me. It was early in the am he showed up and got me. I asked him to drop me off at my real friends house. He was a Life saver.

Now let's get back to the abuser, he found out where I worked somehow was calling me what felt like every day (from jail). I didn't want to hear it I was good, I wouldn't even let him talk, I would hang up right away. One day his child's mother called my job, weird right. She told me I know I am the last person you would think that would call you, but he called me crying saying if he doesn't talk to you he is going to kill himself, and I can't have my child fatherless. UGH!
 (I give her shit about this phone call till this day) Now I feel bad and think I can't have that on my head that I caused that. So I allowed him to speak to me, WHY?.

Here comes part two. 

He was facing years in jail but the key witness backed out. Case is dropped he is released. SHIT!

Now we get back together, things seem to be ok he wasn't beating me as bad. I mean the bruises weren't on my face type of thing. I was walking on egg shells all the time but I was kinda use to it.
I would kinda prepare myself for the abuse in some sense. He had me thinking no one loved me or cared. He would always tell me, I didn't have any friends, no one cared but him and his family.
If I left I would have no where to go since my family didn't care about me or want me, and he would find me, he would always find me. I was so brain washed, I was so scared, so trapped.
He would hit me and then tell me how much he cared right after.
I hated him, I was stuck with him and hated it.
I had no were to go, there was no way out.

Being in a relationship where you are forced to even be sexual is the WORSE, being beaten and basically raped in a relationship isn't done out of love. No means no, regardless if you are together or not!
 Whenever I got the courage to even think of leaving, I had no way out. It just wasn't going to happen. I lost contact with a lot of people since I wasn't allowed to do anything.
His family was all I was allowed to be around. I couldn't talk to anyone. I remember I was close to one of my guy cousins before all this, I called him out the blue this is my blood cousin. I missed my family! It didn't matter to him it was a guy I was talking to, oh I paid for that phone call so well. I never again talked to any guy related or not. If I went out in public with him, and I PRAYED I didn't see someone I knew.

I ended up getting pregnant, now I'm 18 and pregnant..
Things were ok he was being nice with me at FIRST. But that didn't last. I'm pregnant getting beat on at his parents house. One time he was hitting on me, and by this time I have a huge tummy so my falls aren't as quiet. His dad rushes in the room takes him off of me and pulls me out the room. He asks me what happen. I remember it was over me not ironing a shirt. His dad tells me well you should really listen to him, and just do whatever he says so you don't make him mad and he won't hit you. I knew it was my fault, I should always listen.
(Runs over and over in my head this is ALL MY FAULT)

Time goes on things don't change, I just keep taking the abuse.

The time is here my baby is coming

My baby is born perfect and healthy. They move me to the recovery room, he had left the hospital already. When he gets back he has his son with him. He decides its best while he leaves to go do some stuff to leave his son with me. (I ask where he is going, as always it's none of my business).
 I told him I don't think he should leave him with me, I'm tired and I'm really sleepy. What if he gets up and goes somewhere I can't even get up, and go after him. He tells me to shut the F up before he beats my ass, and just watch his kid. He leaves.
Crazy right, I loved his kid and would always watch him, but not after literally just having a baby.

It's time to leave the hospital I'm going home to my parents so my mom can help me out. His parents weren't happy with that but somehow I pulled it off.

I was so scared to do anything with this little one she was so small and I was responsible for her, good thing I had a big sister and mom that helped with that.
Weeks passed and it's time to go back to his parents house, but first day back he was back at hitting me. So I left and just stood at my parents now with a child. My daughters birth was giving me mental strength to stand up more.
Our relationship was off and on. He was on a really bad path drugs, and really into the gang life. He would show up at my parents house in the early mornings. He would be so drugged up I didn't know what to do, I would tell him to leave. I was afraid he would wake my parents, it would take hours to convince him to go. I would try to keep him away from my house and my family, it was hard.
 Just knowing him, and dealing with him was so stressful. He still had that fear in me so I HAD to be nice.

He would show up at my job and I would have to tell my guy coworkers please don't tell me good morning, hi or say anything. If anyone would speak to me and it was a male he would act like he was going to make a scene and beat them up, and I would get beat.
I was walking with my head down all the time now.
DAMN!

One day I wasn't feeling well so I went to the doctors, and surprise surprise. Baby #2 on the way. I remember I told him I would meet him at his parents that day so they could see the baby, mind you my baby was only 5 months. I ran late since I had the doctors and had to explain to my parents I was bringing in another baby. (My mom was upset baby number two and she is watching baby number one when I worked yeah mad)  He called me and was super pissed I was late. I told him I had to talk to him. His response was if your going to try to break up again I will beat your ass. UGH!
He  knew I wanted things to be completely over with us. So he came to the car all angry about to go off and mid of him about to hit me I showed him the ultra sound. He stopped.
What do I do now? He was happy.
I mean his main thing was ain't no one going to want you if you leave me and have a kid, so imagine what he is thinking I would have two now.

So much was flying through my head at the time. I didn't want to bring another baby into my misery. I didn't want anyone else to suffer.

 I kept playing my part.

One day I was at his parents house I remember sitting at the table his mom was on a chair by the TV holding my baby. I was already getting morning sickness he was eating, and I guess I was making a face. He was like what's wrong with you I said I don't know the smell of the food is getting to me. And BOOM he hit me so hard I flew off the chair. He got up and went to the kitchen screaming you see what you made me do. I got up picked up the phone (again who to call).

His mother walked over to me, and said who are you going to call theres no one that is going to help you, you got what you deserved. She walked to her room with my baby.

 Crazy to think that this family said they loved me like a daughter.
I mean how could I be so crazy to think these people cared when they saw me with black eyes and bruises all the time.
The one time I scratched him up I remember his mother was so pissed that I touched her son. I have the black eye but you're upset he is scratched. (Messed with my head)

 Mentally I had already been gone there was nothing there, but he had already threatened to kill my family if I left him. I was scared enough to believe it, I was stuck.
I was at the lowest in my life I didn't have a way out. It was an all the time thing when I would see him he would hit me pregnant or not. He was always high, and always so angry, so damn angry.
I saw him less and less.

He ended up moving in with a female. He would still show up to my house late at night, I hated it. I had to spend my early mornings outside trying to get him to leave. I didn't allow him in my house I didn't want him around at all.

He ended up going to jail I don't remember for what. But it was GOOD for me!

It's time

My second baby is on the way. I rushed to the hospital my older sister was with me the whole time.  Baby was born I am now a mother of two. Thank goodness for my family they helped me out. I was working and taking care of my kids. I did everything for them, my new reason for living.

Life was better now, until I get a knock at the door.
It's him. My baby is a couple of months old. He gets her and she just cries her eyes out. She doesn't know him. He asked if we can come over his parents house. I agreed.

SUCKED BACK IN

What is this hold he has on me? Oh right fear! We are back seeing each other.

Of course it started again back to an everyday thing it didn't take long to come back to the abuse.
One time he busted my lip so bad till this day I have a scar in my mouth that I can feel. (battle scar)

I also remember showing my busted lip to a family member I said help me I don't know what to do. I don't want to be around him. I'm scared.. I asked for help I promise I did.
(I can picture this day clear as daylight)

I didn't get help. No one listened!

 I go to work with bruises every day. I became close with a male friend from work. He "SAW ME" he started talking to me about me coming to work crying and hurt all the time. He spoke up and told me he hated it, that I deserved better I should't be allowing it. He talked to me about how I should leave, and not be scared. I will never forget that a semi stranger stepped in trying to help.
I call him big bro till this day.

 It was the beginning of the end.

I spent the night over his parents house with both my kids. I remember my oldest daughter woke up crying she ran to her grandparents room. I get up to get her, but he gets up angry says I'll go. He starts yelling at her and I just hear a slam and she starts crying louder. He hit her and when he hit her she fell back and hit the room door. I started going off on him. YOU DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER!!!!!!
He of course woke up the baby now I am comforting the baby and my oldest. With him going off on me he swings and ends up hitting me and the baby at the same time.

That was the day there was NO turning back. I didn't care what happened to me but my kids NO ONE touches my kids I would DIE for them.

That night was the worse I couldn't sleep I had work in the morning. It was bad. He was on a bad one, high as a kite. Once he left us alone in the room I put the girls to sleep, and I was just waiting for morning so I can leave. My cell phone starts ringing it's on vibrate, he comes into the room all pissed off talking about who is calling you. DUH you are you have the damn phone in your hand that's calling me. He drags me out the room now I am being talked crap to and threaten until the morning. When everyone is up I told him I am leaving and I don't ever want to see him again.

OH I DID IT

He darts at me and this time his parents stop him. His mother tells me to get in the car she is taking me to work, and she would drop off the girls with my mom. I had to literally run out the house, his mom locked me in the car as he was running around it trying to get me, saying he was going to kill me (I promise I saw so much evil and hate in his eyes that day). I got to work and waited about an hour called my house and my kids were with my mother.

I'M SAFE/WE ARE SAFE

My girls were my strength that I needed to face the fear, and say enough is enough. I'm not taking your threats or anything anymore. I am DONE! He messed up by putting hands on my girls.

This last time I left he kept my truck so I would either grab the bus or a coworker would take me home. I would have her drop me away from my parents house, I didn't want him to see her and start bothering her. I caught him hiding around my house a couple of times already. I hated that little part of getting to my house from work he would hide outside and dart at me. One day he caught me
(I wasn't fast enough) he grabbed me and put me in the car. He was so drugged up laughing and being evil, I told him I was going to get the girls and we would leave with him. Just so he let me get out the car.
I went into my house and didn't come back out. I don't remember how he left so easily but I didn't go anywhere with him.

Running from him was hell.

He ended up getting arrested again, so now I didn't have to worry about him for a WHILE.

Reflections: 
I realized I was having more fun being out with my friends, just being out and being silly. Now that I think back on things all my fun memories do not involve him. (Crazy) The nightmare started when I had to close out my friends and family.  And it was just me and him, I didn't have that type of bond with him. I was not in love with him that way, I was just having fun, I was basically a kid. I didn't want to be with anyone in that way, I wanted to drive around with my friends go to parties, late night beach nights. BUT I got stuck out of FEAR.

This I feel has taught me to not be as strict with my own children. I don't allow them to do as they please, but they have more freedom than I ever had. I allow them to go out and been the teens I guess I wanted to be. I feel they need to experience the teen life. It's IMPORTANT in my eyes.

 I am not placing blame on anyone just doing things different, giving my kids what I wanted.

This person changed me I lost myself. I had zero self worth. I hated myself and blamed myself for everything. I would tell myself see what you did, if you had just done this he wouldn't have hit you.
I BLAMED MYSELF! 

He belittled me.
 I wasn't allowed to be smarter. If I knew something he didn't I would get hit. If I was better at something he wasn't I would get hit. I stopped doing anything. I was slowing dying inside my real self was dying. I lost myself because he had BROKEN ME!
I had no voice I lived in hell, and again had no one to listen or see me.

BROKEN!!

Eyes wide open, yet no one sees me! NO ONE sees ME!
Soundless cries, dry tears, heart racing FEAR!

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