SOUNDLESS SCREMS

I just want to write stuff down and see how this works out. Good or bad comments this is just me un-muting myself and speaking out loud. Hoping for no judgements. Just expressing myself, and putting out pieces of my life..
Let's just get into it.

Is this where it all started?~

First time~  I was 12 my mom allowed me to spend the night at my aunts house, and mind you I always looked older than what I was, because of my height I guess. I went with my aunt to the laundry mat. While we were there she was flirting with some man, she ended up exchanging numbers, and making plans to go out with him. We got back to her house and she told me she wanted me to go with her to see this man.
I'm a preteen I was like well it's my aunt why not, I can't get in trouble. We got picked up at her place and surprise he had a friend with him. So I guess it was a double date (Confused face now) the man was like 30 years old, reminder I'm 12 and yes I said I looked older, but as older I mean15. Well we ended up going to a bar/club really small. I didn't know what was going on I was just looking at my aunt waiting for a lets go cue or something, and going with the flow. We did end up leaving BUT to drop her off with the man at a motel, she left me alone....she left me ALONE with this man.
As she is walking away giggling she looks back and tells me to be good. Now it's just me and him, he is driving me back to my aunts house. Now he is he making small talk. I just kept saying to myself please just let him get me to my aunts house... please.
I noticed he was driving towards dark areas, he kept telling me to give him a kiss I kept saying no. I guess he was over it and he pulled up on side of the road. He continued to ask for a kiss, more aggressively. I don't know what I told him, but I know he was mad. Good note he ended up dropping me off at my aunts. I ran in I was so scared. (thinking this man could have really hurt me) Next day I got home I don't remember how it came up, but I told someone what happened. I wanted to hear something, some kind of concern! I ended up getting yelled at. Why didn't I call home why did I go. WTF...  (Mind you after my aunt kept seeing the other man, and would always tell me that dude was still asking for me. Even after she told him my age. I just remember telling her he was gross) Was there nothing wrong with this? Or again do I not matter enough for anyone to say something more than this is your fault, now your punished.. 

Second time~ I was 15 I stopped going to high school and decided to do "homeschooling". No 8 hour school means I am home a lot more now, so I have new responsibilities/chores given to me. I have to walk my sisters to school every morning, and the school wasn't close.
Here I go every day my routine. One day on my way home some man pulled up on side of me, he told me to get in the car. I said NO, and kept walking. He pulls up again this time he says he will give me money if I get in. Now I am like F you leave me alone. That was day one.
 Day two he was following me around, I just kept seeing him in his car every morning parked watching me every block. This became a daily thing for about a good week or so. Till one day I didn't see him something was different.
Then I spotted him from a distance (crazy I remember the street name, and I can picture the whole thing in my head, like it happened yesterday) I saw him pull up and park on the side of the street I was walking on. He then opened the passenger door and was standing in front of his car right by the passenger side. I was thinking there is no way I am going to pass him on this side of the street he is obviously up to no good. I rushed across the street, and he runs literally RUNS closes the passenger door and is now trying to make a U turn to come back on the side I am on. Now I 'm running trying to get home. He is now parked on the side of the street I am on again, so I run across the street.
This van was coming my way so I had to stop so I wouldn't get hit. As I am in the middle of the street I am right by the drivers window of the van.  I was going to ask the man for help and just my luck. He was a pervert man trying to talk to me as well (I just remember he kept blowing me kisses at me).
THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!
Now I'm crying and running panicking thinking about how bad this is going to end. I am literally on the opposite side of the street that I lived on. He got closer so I run into someones yard to try and hide. I spot a lady wiping down her car in the backyard. (It was an open yard like there was a front house and a back house). I walk towards her and ask for her help. I asked if she could call the police. I'm crying I tell her some man is following me and trying to get me in his car.
She said I'm late for work see if the people in the front house will help. DAMN! She's late she could care less huh.
I'm stuck, he's outside he saw me run back here, and this lady won't help me. I just stood there looking at her now drive off, I think I was in shock. She didn't want to help me, now I'm trying to figure out my next move.
I'm screwed.
I go to the front house scared to knock. It's been 20 minutes as I'm walking to the front house I see him sitting in the car watching me. I sit on the front porch praying he don't get out the car. Finally after another 10 minutes  he leaves. I ran home.... I ran SO fast. I got home and now I get yelled at because I'm late, I spoke up and said what happened, and nothing was done AGAIN.
Later that day I get to school to turn in my weeks homework,  I don't remember how it came up but I told my teacher, and she called the police.
The policeman told me to change my routine in the mornings and if I ever see him again to get his license plate. I had no information on him aside from a description, there really was nothing the police could do. I changed my routine NO MORE creep, one week later he found me. UGH! I told someone  he found me again. I was given mace. Damn!...........OK!
I'm on my own. I saw him a few times more, but I think I might have scared him because I stopped a lady when I saw him and pointed to his car.
You know I always thought damn why doesn't anyone care.. He could have taken me and hurt me.. Why not go the extra mile for me am I really not that important? Do I really not matter?!

Teen years seem to not be working out I ask for help and no one listens. My safety isn't important.
MACE...... I was given MACE...
.

My teen years many things happened... I was touched sexually every single day I cried every single day for about one year, as things happened in my teen years. I NEVER spoke out again I kept all my fears and pains inside....why should I speak out
NO ONE LISTENS,NO ONE DOES ANYTHING!

I'm just not good enough to be heard, right! 

As I  re-read all that I wrote. I was thinking, what are others going to think when they read it.

I didn't put this out to place blame, nor did I do it for any type of sympathy. I solely did it to get things off my chest, and be able to express myself. And there might be a chance of maybe feeling some type of closure, MAYBE.
This world is full of judgement. I'm hoping this can be my safe place?! I also hope any one that has a connection with any of my post feels this can be their safe place as well.

I got you NO JUDGEMENT

Although what I blogged about here is messed up. It has taught me ALWAYS listen to your kids. Kids want to know if anyone hears them or sees them. Let them know they are SEEN and HEARD.
I SEE YOU!!! I HEAR YOU!!!
I wish someone would have told me I SEE YOU and I GOT YOU!

DO YOU SEE ME?!

Comments

  1. I see you, Mz G. It's weird that you bring up some of these moments from your past. To me, it feels all too familiar. I had many friends from that era that seem to go through something similar and now, I wonder if it was just a horrible time to be a kid. Or maybe, it was just a horrible time to be a kid and growing up in the inner city. Either way, you're not alone in your experience and it sucks that it happened. It's experiences like that mold us and make us who we are today. You are better and wiser because of it. Don't forget that!!!

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